"What Not to Say!" Episode 1

Welcome to the first installment of "What NOT to Say!" brought to you by the world's most self-indulgent actors! Below is a list of real taglines and gimmicks used on headshot postcards that I found to be particularly abhorant in the sea that comes across my desk. Look, Laugh, and Learn people! These are guaranteed to keep you from getting the job!

Annoying Postcard Taglines

“Call me when you need to cast ‘short, pale, and stunningly average-looking'!” (Way to sell yourself)

“I’m holding my breath until you check out my new reel…please take a look so I can breathe again!” (Please refrain from theatening the casting directors...)

“Armed and Dangerous with Aspirations and tremendous determination” (Danger not so appealing)

“Agents and Casting Directors beware! This actress is armed, dangerously funny, and gunning for you!” (Again with the threats...)

“Think Cameron Diaz meets Scarlett Johannson.” (Ugh...where to begin)

“New Chinese Face” (Wow.)

“It’s Time to Meet!” (Oh Really...)

“Seeking Opportunity!” (I bet you are.)

“Jack of all Trades: The Actor, The Musician, The Reality TV Star, The Author” (Those are not pros...)

“3 Accents for the Price of 1: Buy Me!!” (Buy you, since when are people for sale?)

“I just have to stay on your mind…and maybe your desk too” (Creepy come-hither looking picture--I'm afraid)

“Remember, I’m here for your last minute day planner needs this season—Give me a call!” (Way to sell yourself short)

“J. Keane, the acting machine. Sidekick to the Stars Since 1952.” (rhyming, really?)

“You get me work. Humperdink suffers.” (Who?)

“I feel like my castability is perfect.” (oh really?)

“The Funny Girl Next Door.” (Good for you.)

“Available Immediately: Leading Man Ready to Take Career to Next Level!” (Sad)